2011

The day I have waited for. I haven’t seen your brother since Friday. I’m positively buzzing with the thought of seeing his little round cherubic face. Nothing else matters today.

He charges in, like he owns the ward, (that’s his style), and jumps up onto the bed with a bunch of flowers.

“Hello Mum.”

Like it’s nothing at all. And instantly I feel like the world will keep turning another day, because I can tell he is okay. The undercurrent of fear that he’s suffering is assuaged – at least for now. I don’t know how long a sixteen month old is expected to cope in situations like this. But right now he’s okay, and that means we are too.

We talk about cars and Bob the Builder, and how he loves the orange truck from Bob the Builder called Muck. And why traffic lights turn green and Grandad starts driving. And when they go red Grandad stops driving.

“What about when they go orange, Lachie?”
“Grandad goes faster.”

Busted.

He’s with me for a total of five minutes before finding the wheel chair next to my bed far more interesting than me. Grandad takes him for a ride in it around the ward and I can hear the nurses giggling and feel their warmth towards him from down the hall. He’s like that, your brother. He makes people smile even when he doesn’t mean to.

I talk to Ma about him and she says he’s doing fine. Missing Mummy and Daddy, (Daddy visits us every night so he doesn’t see much of Lachie at the moment), but enjoying his holiday with Grandad and Ma. And, Ma reminds me, I will be in here for a very long time so we will work around it. She also brought in chicken and asparagus casserole to supplement the food here, (which I have not eaten much of). It’s my favourite and I am sure you will love it too.

Most important, I now have something to replace the last image I had in my head of Lachie. On Friday morning when I dropped him off I instinctively, (there’s that word again), knew something was about to happen. I looked long and hard at him, etching his image into my mind. He was wearing a grey jumper because the southerly had come through, and was in Nana’s arms smiling his cheeky smile at me. I have been able to think of very little other than pulling away from that smile knowing in my heart his world would change that day.
Flowers, home cooking, a visit from family and a new image of your brother to help me to sleep tonight. Suddenly life is looking up.

2014
I’m still feeling unwell, although I haven’t physically thrown up yet. Dad arrived home and suggested I sleep, (I haven’t slept in over 48 hours). He’s took you and Lachie to the circus with Nana and by the time you get back I am rested. Lachie is bouncing off the walls talking about dancing horses and flying acrobats landing on pillows, clowns in balloons and motorbikes in a giant ring. He’s beside himself and everyone is enjoying watching him spread joviality like fairy dust. You are quiet and just want a cuddle. But you tell me about the pretty dresses on the ladies that danced on horses. And fall asleep in my arms.

February 24