March 22

2011

Yesterday was like walking through quicksand. I felt the ground moving beneath me and everything appeared to happen in slow motion. I wanted to be with you, but knew I needed to stay. Ma came and helped me with Lachie as your Dad had to go back to work. Lachie has always had a special bond with her and I thought she would be able to calm him, or maybe even pry him from my lap. Alas, I was mistaken. He could not be moved and stubbornly held onto me with all his considerable will. Only tonight has he begun to calm down a little, and will allow your Dad to hold him for a while.

I called the hospital before the end of every shift change to see how you are. I spoke with Nurse Esther tonight – she is my favourite nurse so far. She assured me she was singing to you in Chinese, (her lullabies are famous for their volume and questionable key selection), and your favourite is twinkle twinkle. She is holding your hand whenever she can and telling you that we are thinking of you and will be home soon. And she had some good news too. Excitedly, in hushed tones, she told me your central line is coming out tonight. At just one week old that is unheard of. You may be ready to try CPAP 5 in a day or so and ready for a cuddle, a real life proper cuddle, in 48 hours.

I can’t wait to go in and see you tonight. The night times in the NICU are so quiet and still, and I can breathe you in a little more and take each second as it comes. This time with Lachie has recharged my batteries. I am ready now for what lies ahead. And I keep telling myself to ignore the niggle at the back of my brain which reminds me you haven’t had a backwards step yet – two steps forward one step back. Judging by the leaps you have made, the step back could be significant. I

2014

Tomorrow is your birthday party, and today was spent preparing. Dad and I tidied and cooked and Aunty Kasey came to help with the cake. You spent the day playing with the neighbourhood kids and I can see the excitement building in you. You are picking out your dress and telling me where to out the jumping castle, which colour to make your my little pony cake, and how to do the decorations.  Having a three year old in the house is very much like having a very small, very loud, very bossy teenager around.

March 23

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